I have a friend who is going through a difficult time. She recently lost her child after a long fight with a debilitating disease. I have another friend whose daughter is struggling with mental illness. Another friend is devastated by the betrayal of a spouse. My heart breaks for my friends who are deeply hurting and crying out for answers, and far too often, I have nothing to offer them. Why do I come up short, especially when, as a Christian, I know God holds all the answers in His hands?
Unfortunately,experience has taught me that there is no right thing to say. because in those moments, everything I say seems wrong. Sometimes my words can be so clumsy. I've read articles with titles like "12 things not to say to a grieving mother" or "15 things not to say to the parents of a disabled child" and cringed at how many of them I've said. Did I mean to offend? Of course not. I meant to offer peace and comfort. Have I offered trite-sounding platitudes in place of genuine love and care? Probably. I have opened my mouth expecting words of healing to flow, and instead my words sound hollow and meaningless. I'm sorry for your loss. I'm praying for you. God is in control. I don't know the words to say, or how to express that I care. Sometimes well-meaning bloggers have given me better lines, lines that are supposed to help instead of add to the wounds, but I can't remember them. All I remember is the part that says better to just stay silent and give a hug. So more and more often, I say less and less. And then one day I read another article written by someone who went through a tragic time, and no one in her church said anything to her. Nobody reached out to her, nobody offered her words of comfort, not even trite ones. The silence hurt just as much as the clumsy words.
Is it better to reach out, knowing that I am not going to know what to say, or to play it safe so nobody gets hurt? Will those in pain understand that when I say those things that seem trite and meaningless, that I am trying to reach out because I care? When I hug you and awkwardly say, "It's okay," I know things really aren't okay. It just means that I wish they were okay. That if could, I would make everything okay. That I care deeply about you and I wish I could come swoop down and save the day, but I'm not able to. I don't have that power. Only God does. And I truly do pray that He will.
